Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Camel's Straw

I know its very unordinary for me to blog two days in a row, but I'm so angry right now I thought that maybe writing down what I'm feeling would make me feel better. My boss(es) are really pissing the hell out of me lately, enough so that I'm having trouble sleeping because I am this consuming ball of rage right now. Its kind of hard to set the context for why I am feeling what I am feeling, but I'll try anyway.

As I said before, back over the summer there were some major major issues with some software I was trying to use for my thesis work. I spent all summer working with various people trying to resolve the problems as they popped up one after another, before finally resigning myself to not using it and omitting that set of experiments from my thesis altogether. Of course I wasted so many weeks over the summer on this problem that I ahd to delay my graduation for a semester, which I was not happy about. There was also a guy from India that was supposed to be helping me with this, but due to various difficulties, he produced absolutely nothing useful for me and just ended up wasting my time.

Anyway, so there have been at least two distinct instances now where my boss gets this really condescending tone toward me and tells me that I "better graduate this December". When he says that I become infuriated because if its anyone's fault that I didn't graduate in August, its HIS. He doesn't seem to remember me telling him that there were all these problems with our existing software and that's the reason why I didn't graduate. Hell, as far as I know he's not even doing anything to address those problems. After all, I suppose it wouldn't be good if HIS bosses found out, would it? Instead our team just keeps plugging along, while relying on this crumbling foundation of shit. And then this week (while on my leave of absence), I went in to work to do some experiments and I get asked if I can attend the Monday morning conference calls. I was a little miffed that I was asked that, so I politely replied "Nope, sorry. I'm not being paid right now and I'm only here to work on things that I need to finish for my thesis, nothing more.". But I get talked to about that, and got told some crap that I have an "obligation in my continuing relationship with Freescale to finish the projects to which I was assigned". Seriously, what kind of bullshit is that? I'm an unsalaried employee there, hence I am unexempt from the provisions of the US Fair Labor Standards Act, and they want me to do work for free? Screw that man.

I am already considering finding another job, either within Freescale or elsewhere. That's pretty freaking sad considering that I haven't even begun working there full-time yet. I don't want to work a job that just leaves me coming home feeling extremely stressed and angry every night, that's not what I want. I want a job that I enjoy doing, and that I can feel good about. Money really doesn't matter to me, but happiness does. I had a really tough time going to sleep last night because I was so pissed about all this (and ended up being 15 minutes late for my class as a result), and I have a feeling that tonight might turn out the same way. Ironic isn't it, that I am more stressed/angry about my job when I am on a leave of absence than when I am actually there?

Monday, October 30, 2006

Light in the Tunnel

I was reading over my last post that I made less than two months ago, and it feels like all of those things were a distant memory now. My life is in such a high gear right now, I feel so much different right now than I did back in September, its amazing. Anyway, I guess I'll try to sort out the events of the past six odd weeks in chronological order.

Allacrost saw its first playable demo released on October 3rd. I really wish that it could have been in a more "fun" state, but we are still without a strong art development team, and our programming team had/has a couple holes in it as well. Regardless, it was more well-received than I thought it would be, which is always a good thing. :) One thing that has really amazed me is how quickly Allacrost has self-propagated itself on the internet. I see all kinds of sites that I've never heard of that now host our demo on their own servers, write short summaries about it (in several languages), etc. Who knew advertising would be so easy! ^_^

Anyway, I visited Phoenix for a brief period of time back in late September/early October because I had a free ticket. Unfortunately I got sick right before I left, so I was incapacitated for the 3-4 days that I was there. Still, I enjoyed getting away even for a little while, and I was able to visit a couple of friends that I haven't spoken to in a while. I still haven't quite recovered from being sick either; I have been coughing for about a month now. I would love to see the doctor, but I'm uninsured right now because....well it's a long story that I don't want to get into, but its for stupid reasons that aren't my fault. In a week I'll be able to get on Freescale's insurance plan though, so its all good.

I'm enjoying my class a lot, and I'm learning a lot in it too. We had the first midterm about two weeks ago and after it was over, I felt really good. Not because I think I did really good on the exam, but because I finally feel like I have a good grasp of the concepts in modern microarchitecture that I have been unable to learn for the past two years. So I'm definitely happy that I decided to take this class, even though I don't need it to get my degree. I've also made some good friends as a result of that class as well. Even more remarkably, two of them are female! I haven't made a female friend since...jeez, I guess it would have to have been 6 years now. That's pathetic!!! And to think that in high school almost all of my good friends were girls.....EE really does change a man. :(

My thesis is coming along as well. I finished the first (of five) chapters last night and I think that as long as I have all of my results, I can finish a rough draft in two weeks. Hopefully that gives my comittee enough time. I feel bad about taking so long to get this thesis to them, but I was just lacking motivation (and I wasn't being medicated for my anxiety disorder for quite some time as well). When I have to spend all day studying and working at my job, when I come home at night the last thing I want to do is more work, you know? Speaking of that, I stepped down from my role in Allacrost temporarily until I can finish my thesis. Things have been really slow with Allacrost this month, but they typically are for us this time of year because a lot of people are busy with classes, etc. Also I took a leave of absence from my job starting this week because I don't have time to work on anything other than my thesis at this point. I'm growing more and more unhappy with my job there, for a number of reasons.

Well it looks like I'm on the final stretch now. As long as any major disasters don't happen, in exactly six weeks from today, I will start working my full-time job and graduate from my life of misery. I'm actually not looking forward to graduation (if you can believe that), because I don't see myself becomming any happier as a result of that. After all, my start date at work is the Monday after classes end!!! I can't believe the things I get myself into sometimes...