Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The End?

As always, too many things have happened in the last month for me to write down. I finished the first draft of all of my thesis chapters yesterday and it feels really, really good to have that done. Currently it is 112 pages long, but I might trim a few pages when I polish it off and present my final draft. The thesis itself wasn't so bad, but rather it was finding the motivation/capacity to work on it. After that little spurt of anger I talked about in my last post, my mind and body almost completely shut down. It's so hard for me to think about...well, anything really right now. So imagine what its like to try and write nearly your entire master's thesis in that state of mind. Yeah, it sucks.

About two weeks ago I was unable to sleep one night (which has been happening to me about once a week lately), and I decided in the late hours of that night that I would quit my job at Freescale. Well, actually I guess quit would be a misnomer. Its more like I'm not starting my job there full-time. My anxiety overload was responsible for two thirds of that decision (which was caused mostly because of my job), and the other third was because I just don't enjoy working there. After all, why would I start a job that I know I'm not going to like? So, that leaves me with very few commitments remaining this year. I have to finish my thesis, take a midterm exam, give a presentation, and write a term paper (the latter two are also my thesis work). Only then will I have re-obtained my personal freedom. I'm going to spend between 1-3 months doing whatever the hell I want before I start looking for a new job. Luckly, I can afford the luxury of time for once in my life.

I've been thinking hard about a lot of deep things lately. Two years ago, I had a clear purpose and the will to pursue the path that I wanted to take. But now, I'm back to square one. I've been asking myself over and over "So, what do I do now with the rest of my life?". The only hint to that answer that I think I've found is that I want to create something. I want to use my own hands, and my own mind, and create something to share with the world. But I don't know what the subject of creation is. Is it an engineering marvel? A novel? A revolution? Is it Allacrost (which by the way, I've been taking a long break from to finish my thesis)?

What makes finding the answer to this question most difficult is that I can't find enjoyment in anything anymore. Seriously. All the things that I used to like to do, don't bring me any feelings of happiness or make me content right now. They just annoy me further because deep down I feel like I do still like them, but I just can't feel anything from them. On days when I have nothing to do (correction: don't feel like doing what I should be doing), I just laze around, browse the internet, or (like today) desperately try all kinds of things in a pathetic attempt to squeeze out one tiny feeling of happiness. Its a pretty sad state that I am in. But hopefully, all that I need to do is find a means to relax and get myself back to normal, and then these things will become a part of a troubled past that I'll use to move forward.