About two weeks ago I was unable to sleep one night (which has been happening to me about once a week lately), and I decided in the late hours of that night that I would quit my job at Freescale. Well, actually I guess quit would be a misnomer. Its more like I'm not starting my job there full-time. My anxiety overload was responsible for two thirds of that decision (which was caused mostly because of my job), and the other third was because I just don't enjoy working there. After all, why would I start a job that I know I'm not going to like? So, that leaves me with very few commitments remaining this year. I have to finish my thesis, take a midterm exam, give a presentation, and write a term paper (the latter two are also my thesis work). Only then will I have re-obtained my personal freedom. I'm going to spend between 1-3 months doing whatever the hell I want before I start looking for a new job. Luckly, I can afford the luxury of time for once in my life.
I've been thinking hard about a lot of deep things lately. Two years ago, I had a clear purpose and the will to pursue the path that I wanted to take. But now, I'm back to square one. I've been asking myself over and over "So, what do I do now with the rest of my life?". The only hint to that answer that I think I've found is that I want to create something. I want to use my own hands, and my own mind, and create something to share with the world. But I don't know what the subject of creation is. Is it an engineering marvel? A novel? A revolution? Is it Allacrost (which by the way, I've been taking a long break from to finish my thesis)?
What makes finding the answer to this question most difficult is that I can't find enjoyment in anything anymore. Seriously. All the things that I used to like to do, don't bring me any feelings of happiness or make me content right now. They just annoy me further because deep down I feel like I do still like them, but I just can't feel anything from them. On days when I have nothing to do (correction: don't feel like doing what I should be doing), I just laze around, browse the internet, or (like today) desperately try all kinds of things in a pathetic attempt to squeeze out one tiny feeling of happiness. Its a pretty sad state that I am in. But hopefully, all that I need to do is find a means to relax and get myself back to normal, and then these things will become a part of a troubled past that I'll use to move forward.