Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Rollercoaster

It's really strange. Two weeks ago I was at a peak level of depression. I realized that I had totally lost my drive and my ambition to accomplish anything. Why? Well I think it's mostly because after working my ass off for so many years and being "successful", I realized that all that that brings is just more work. There's no reward system in my life! So why should I continue to work hard, only to make myself more and more miserable and bogged down? This isn't just affecting my school/work life, but my running, my social life (or what's left of it) and absolutely everything else.

Then the week after that (last week), on Monday I felt so much better. It's weird, but I think its because the weather changed suddenly (it finally got a little cold here), and the cool Fall air felt really refreshing. It just lifted my spirits up I guess, and I actually had a pretty productive week. But even then, I'm still far from being my old self of ~2 years ago. Honestly, I think grad school has made me dumber. As little as around a year ago (when I first started school at UT) I had so many (good) ideas, and I was excited to be here learning. Now its totally the opposite. Its like there's a barrier surrounding that part of my brain that used to be the innovative dreamer, and my intellectual vision has been so ridiculously narrowed now it's no longer enjoyable for me to do this anymore.

Anyway, I got a call from the HR rep at Freescale today and they approved a full-time offer for me. Now a normal person (in other words, someone who's not me) would be ecstatic about it. I still have another semester and a half or so till graduation and I already have a nice comfy job lined up for me. But then there's this whole neuroscience thing I've been pursuing, so now I feel that I'm at the decision point much sooner than I expected!!! I feel like one of these two paths will be heaven for me and the other will be hell, but I have no idea which is which! I have an exam later today and now I feel like I won't be able to study for it because my mind is going to be occupied with this all day.

For the record, the base salary I was offered is $65,600/year, with a $5k signing bonus, and then there's this system where if the company does good, and your boss thinks you do good, you get another huge end-year bonus. I have no complaints about the pay :) (even though money is really not that important to me). I wish time could just stop for a few weeks so I can get caught up on my own life sometimes. :(

2 Comments:

Anonymous fairy said...

Happy Thanksgiving Tyler!

Sounds like you're in a real bind. On one hand you're very close to finishing up grad school & you already have a steady job lined up for you when you graduate. & on the other hand you want to pursure a totally new field you feel will make you happier in the long run.

I hope you find your answer & will be happy with it.

3:56 AM  
Blogger Tyler Olsen said...

Thanks fairy. It's sure not an easy decision for me to make though (in fact, I think its the hardest I've ever been faced with in my entire life). I also read through the details on my full-time offer and I have to offer them a response by December 9th!!!!! AHHHHH now I totally don't know what to do! :(

9:21 PM  

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