Sunday, October 23, 2005

Weakness

First off I'll start with this week's mileage:

Mon 7 miles, fast pace
Tues (injured)
Wed 5.5 miles, slow pace
Thur (injured)
Fri (rest)
Sat 10 miles, slow pace
Sun (rest)
Week Total: 22.5 miles

PATHETIC!!! I need to start cross-training soon. I can't believe I'm on such a light training schedule for a marathon, which is in 15 weeks by the way. >_>


Anyway, I've been hit really hard this past week by something that's very difficult to fight against. I'm still burnt-out of course (that won't change until I manage to take a vacation and relax for once), and now its starting to have an even nastier effect on my daily life. It really hit me hard last weekend, where I found myself unable to do anything. Literally! I did nothing but watch anime and play SNES games on an emulator and sleep a whole lot, even though I had a big homework assignment due Monday and an exam I desperately needed to study for Wednesday. But I was unable to do homework or study, it was horrible. On Sunday night I realized that the only thing I can really do now is drop the class, so I did. I really didn't want to do it (its a great class), but I didn't have much of a choice at that point. I've had this happen to me before, but it was usually only briefly at the end of a semester and then I was able to rest and spring right back up again. I've still got a full 2 months to get through, and I don't think this is going away anytime soon unfortunately. I did a whole lot of nothing again this weekend, but I did manage to work on some homework for about 8 hours or so so I guess it could be worse.

Another side-effect is that I'm constantly tired. Not physically, but mentally. My mind is always so clouded and confused these days that I can't concentrate on a single thing, especially not research (which I have lost a lot of faith in at this point for my field, but that's another story). I sleep well over 8 hours a day now. On Friday, I got home around 3PM, went to bed before 4, woke up again around 8:30, did nothing for a couple hours and then went back to bed around 11, woke up at 3, did nothing again for half an hour, went back to bed at 4, and woke up again at 7:30. Is that whacked up or what? No matter how much I sleep, I still feel like I want to sleep more. My dreams are really the only place where I'm happy now.

Putting all my troubles aside though, I've been thinking really seriously about something lately. I've been getting more and more interested in things other than computer architecture since I've been taking this Neurophysiology class this semester, and I'm feeling very doubtful at this point that I want to do nothing but computer stuff for the rest of my life. Even though I like Freescale and I enjoy working there, I don't think it will make me happy in the long run. So, I think that I'm going to remain in school after I get my master's degree (hopefully this May). But I sure as hell don't want to have anything to do with my so-called "advisor" after that, and I definitely don't want to do a PhD in ECE at this point. What I'm thinking of doing is studying biology (specializing in neurophysiology). Maybe you're saying "Woah, so you spent 6 years of your life studying one thing and now you're doing a 180 degree turn on it?". The answer is no. I am glad that I became a computer engineer and I use my knowledge in it everyday outside the classroom. But I think I would be happier if I knew that the work I did helped people live longer and fuller lives. I don't just want to work so I can get paid, and so that a company can make profit. I don't find much meaning in that kind of work honestly. I've always wanted the things I do to have an impact on others and to make other people happy. That doesn't just go for work, but Allacrost, translating for Yanime, and all the other things I enjoy I do with that thought in mind. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. I just want my existance to make other people happy (even if they don't even know me).

Not to mention I find all this biology/neurophysiology stuff to be freaking awesome too. :) This week I'm going to talk with some people in the biology department and in biomedical engineering and figure out what my options are. I feel like I need to get a BS in biology because I know practically *nothing* at this point, so I don't feel safe just hoping into a master's program in biology. I still haven't made up my mind completely about this, but I feel stronger and stronger about this decision with each passing day. I'd also like to take the opportunity to live like a real college student to. That is, not one that just studies all the time and hardly ever has any fun (which is largely how I was when I was working towards my BS in ECE at Purdue).

Ack, I rambled on for too long. Kudos if you actually read all of this. Well, for now I'm just going to weigh my options and when I have to make a decision, I'm going to go with my gut like I always have. ;)

1 Comments:

Anonymous fairy said...

awwww poor tyler ::hugs:: =(

if you have shin splits you should probably put off training until you heal fully, or you might cause permanent damage.

i hate dropping classes too, but sometimes it must be done in order to maintain a decent GPA.

if you strongly feel that you need to switch majors, go ahead. you have the rest of your life ahead of you; why not do what makes you happy? it's not as if switching majors will cause some kind of catastrophe in the world.

even though you vegged out because of your sickness; in a way it's a good thing because your body forced you to rest.

i hope you feel better & work things out ^_^

6:57 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home