Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'm afraid...

I really am. I feel a general fear for this upcoming semester, because I know I'm going to be so damn busy and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to get through it. I've been trying to fix my sleeping schedule so I go to bed around 10:00 and wake up at 5:30 and I thought I was finally going to fix it tonight, but as I laid there all the things I have to do in the upcoming weeks just kept running through my head. I almost wanted to make myself cry because I thought it would make me feel a little better. Every time I think things are about to settle down, something huge pops up and it upsets me.

In the last two days, this has happened twice. The first was a rejection notice of the paper I submitted to IISWC. Now I guess a normal person would take this as bad news, but I thought it to be good news because A) I thought the paper sucked anyway (partially because I didn't have all the time in the world to work on it) and B) it means I don't have to go present the paper at the conference in October. I thought the reviews we got back were a little harsh though, but I laughed it up. :) So now my professor wants to aim for submitting it to ISPASS instead. But the research I've done at work we have planned to submit to ISPASS! There's no way in hell I'm working on two papers for the same conference. NO. FREAKING. WAY!

The second was an e-mail I got from a former co-worker who said that my former manager stated that I have to come back to work next week and give a presentation about my research at Freescale to a crowd which includes our chief technology officer and senior vice president. Gee, thanks! Its not like I wanted to have a life or anything for these last few days of summer. Seriously, presentations take so long to prepare too, and I have less than a week. ;_;

So what are the other things I'm worried about? Well, to keep it short:

- I'm taking 3 courses + a thesis course, 2 of which are computer architecture courses (read: a hell of a lot of work).

- I have to work 20 hours a week as a TA. But I guess its better than going broke and hungry again.

- I still haven't found a roommate...

- I still need to unpack everything in my apartment and clean the place thoroughly. (I don't work well in a dirty environment).

- Allacrost is really running at full steam now and I don't want to stop!!! If only I had like a month instead of a week before school started, I would be able to accomplish so much.

- I have an entire manga volume (Mai Hime volume 4) to translate, and I told them I tried to get it done before school started (one week and counting...)

- I really want to join the marathon club and keep myself in shape throughout the semester (something I've never managed to accomplish by myself). I'm hoping I'll be ready to run the Freescale Marathon in February, but who knows.

- A lot of general crap to do with configuring my linux PC + laptop that I've been meaning to do for a long time, but haven't gotten around to it.

- I need a social life this fall. I found that it really helps reduce stress this summer, and by damn I deserve it!

This sucks. This really sucks. Sometimes I feel like everyone (advisor prof/TA prof/former manager/scanslation team) just thinks that I only belong to them, and that except for the work they give me, I've literally got nothing better to do with my time. WRONG! I like doing all the things I do, but I want to do them at MY OWN DAMN PACE!!! I feel like people are trying to make me run faster than I should be able to go you know? And all this stress, while most of the time isn't monumental, is continual so its grinding down on my pysche and really effecting my daily life. There are nights where I can't sleep, and there are days where I'm trying to do so many things at once I just start flipping out. I seriously feel like I'm going to be busy everyday for the rest of my entire life.

I'm seriously considering dropping by counseling services when I go to campus tomorrow and setting something up. I bet that just sitting down and talking with someone and having them listen to me seriously would help me out. I just don't know what I should be doing anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should run away from it all and live my life freely, and not being chained down by the will of others. Phew, okay that's enough of that for tonight. Now let me try to see if I can get to sleep again...


Anonymous fairy said...

wow tyler *_* the amount of work you have is crazy. i'd probably cut out some things to preserve my sanity, but you're the type of person who likes to do everything so that course of action would bug you.

i think seeing a counselor is a good idea. maybe they can give you some helpful advice ^_^

& if anything, we're always there on IRC. you can complain & bitch to us as much as you want ^_^

get some rest!

10:18 PM  

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