A New Journey
Yeah. I traveled a whopping 1.5 miles for break (because my dad and his girlfriend came here). It's the shortest I've traveled since....well since I was a high school student. At least I didn't have to spend time packing and catching a plane. But still, I wish I could have gone somewhere for break to get my mind off of my life for once. You know, I realized this weekend that I have not been outside of Austin (save for a few drives up to Dallas to see my dad) since winter break last year. You might say "so what?", but for me this is the first time I've stayed in one spot for more than a few months. Although I like Austin a lot, I REALLY want to get out of here for a while. I think it will help me to not think about school. And work. And research. Well I'm leaving on Dec. 20th for Phoenix so I guess I'll get my chance.
Anyway, this didn't even feel like a break to me. I'm beginning to question if I'm mentally ill, because I just.....I can't enjoy a single damn thing anymore! I have no desire to live, or to try hard in anything (which is really one of the defining features about me). It's like the fire in my soul has burnt out, and I've been desperately trying to re-light it, and failing time and time again. I just don't know what to do anymore. And then throw this whole neuroscience PhD versus engineering job and things get even worse. I showed my father my offer letter this past weekend and he said "You're taking it." Yeah, thanks dad. [/sarcasm]
You know what I think I really want right now? I want to live in the present. Everything I think, everything I do is for the future. I'm sick of thinking about the future damnit! But I can't help but think about it because in the next 3-4 months, I could be making a decision that will change my entire life. I've been wasting so much time these days watching anime and playing video games because it's the only way I can get myself to stop thinking about this. Urgh, I swear I can't keep this up for much longer. Well anyway, I'm done ranting for tonight.